Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Missing the man

The Husband travels a lot for work, especially in the summer. He's an audiovisual technician and installs distance learning classrooms, video conferencing units, etc. The summertime is especially busy for him because he travels to a lot of little schools (usually in Nebraska) and upgrades or installs new systems in their classrooms while school is out for summer break.

This seems to have been an even busier season for him than normal, and he's been gone Monday through Friday for months now. I'm used to it, I really am.  He's been doing this for fifteen years. But sometimes it gets to me.

I think it's particularly bad right now because of my pregnancy hormones. I keep having dreams of him leaving me. I've always had those dreams while pregnant and they can be very unsettling, even when they're not particularly realistic. Like the dream in which he left me to run away with a seventy-year-old motel front desk clerk who he met (and apparently wooed) while working in Nebraska. (Dude, he thinks Martha Stewart is hot, maybe it could happen!) I'm not normally an insecure person when it comes to my marriage, so these subconscious mind screws are not welcomed.

Lately, I feel clingier to The Husband than I usually do and I crave his attention.  When I don't get it, because of work or perhaps something else that he's chosen to do when he's home (I get it; he can't spend ALL of his weekend time with me.  The lawn does need mowed after all, and I'm certainly not going to do it, ha!) I feel pouty and have to resist a tantrum. (And while we're on the subject of tantrums, it should be said that I have had far fewer of them with this pregnancy than while carrying my other kids. Either I've matured enough to recognize irrational behavior, or the physical symptoms of this pregnancy have beaten me into complete exhaustion; rendering me incapable of producing the energy to throw a proper tantrum. I'm not sure why I bring that up, other than to say "Yay me!")

But back to The Husband. I also notice his appearance more than my non pregnant self does. He's an attractive guy (and he knows it) and I've always been appreciative of that. But while pregnant, I don't know, I guess he just seems even more attractive to me.  He's got this ridiculous shirt that I loathe (think Hawaiian style shirt, but with huge ugly fish on it instead of flowers) and the other day he put it on and it didn't look all that bad on him.  And when we went to the amusement park for Bumblebee's birthday on Sunday, he wore this ratty, redneck cut off t-shirt that he'd gotten 16 years or so ago in New Orleans with voodoo icons printed on it. Normally I'd beg him to put on something more respectable.  Sunday I was checking out his arms all day long.  (Dude's got some nice looking guns, even after all these years.)

I wonder what the biological link to these feelings are?  Don't some female animal species completely ignore - or worse - KILL their partners once they've successfully knocked them up?  Maybe with humans (or at least with me - I shouldn't lay claim to what all humans feel during pregnancy) it's so that fathers feel appreciated and don't take off when our hormones take us on a trip down the crazy highway.  Who knows.

When people ask me how I can stand having him gone so much, I sometimes reply with a jokey, "It works for us; we'd kill each other if he was home all the time."  But the truth is that I miss The Husband when he's gone. Not because I have to take the garbage out and climb on stools to change the light bulbs; not because running a house with three busy kids while working full time is difficult; and not so that he can referee the fight over a Nintendo DS charger that broke out between The Boy and Bumblebee. But because he's my guy and he makes me feel safe and happy and I wish that he were here all the time. That would be awesome.

Maybe I should look into a nice little overnight getaway for our anniversary next month.  Or, if that's too much effort, a date night might do.  I'm not picky, as long as it doesn't involve a Quentin Tarantino movie.

1 comment:

Travis Erwin said...

Maybe all that time in Nebraska will turn him into a Huskers fan.