Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The waxing and waning of life.

Life’s been getting in the way of blogging again, but Summertime will do that , and I’m not complaining.
*photo of Grandpa B and me, taken a couple of years ago:
grandpaNmeMy grandpa is very ill. He’s been suffering from Alzheimer’s for a few years now, and a week or so ago, took a turn for the worse. His treatment has been changed to focus on comfort/palliative care, and the Hospice team has been engaged. It won’t be long before he passes away.  I don’t want him to suffer any longer; I know he’s lived a long, full, and happy life. But I’m sad to think of him no longer being here with us. I haven’t lost a grandparent yet, which is unusual for a 38-year-old. But Lord knows I’ve been to enough funerals for family members over the past year or so.

Is it cheesy to conjure up thoughts of the great Circle of Life as a segue to my next topic? Yeah? Oh well, too late. I am now a little past 20 weeks along - officially halfway through this pregnancy. I haven’t talked about my pregnancy much on this blog because I’ve been uneasy to do so. As many of you know, we’ve suffered three pregnancy losses. Two were miscarriages, and one was a third trimester stillbirth. So to say that I’m nervous when it comes to pregnancy would be an understatement. It’s more accurate to say that I’m a completely neurotic nutball much of the time.

I’m trying my very best to enjoy the pregnancy, to savor the fluttery movements and little jabby kicks that happen once Goblin wakes up in there. It never fails to make me smile when I feel those movements.  Well, except for when s/he tries to launch a 70 yard punt with my bladder. That isn’t such a smiley moment. It’s getting easier to relax, the further along I get into the pregnancy.  It’s very obvious that I’m pregnant now, my belly is huge already.  I guess when you’re 5’2” there isn’t much room to grow, except for OUT.  I’m feeling better most days, although my physical energy level is still much lower than I’m used to, and getting tired all the time is, frankly, driving me crazy. But I’m still scared of the unknown. Scared of what can happen, because I’ve been there when things went wrong.

We have a detailed ultrasound in two weeks, where they will measure limbs, check out the heart, brain, spine, organs, etc. They will have a pretty good idea if the baby is healthy or not, based on what they see in that scan. I’m trying not to focus on that date, but it’s hard. I’ve been telling myself that the outcome is not within my control, so worrying is only going to make things worse. And that helps a little bit. I’ve been blessed with three healthy, robust children.  If I’m given one more, I will be overjoyed.

I can’t help but think about this new life growing inside of me when I think about my grandfather. Grandpa’s time here on Earth is winding down, and Goblin’s is gearing up. It’s an interesting concept, this waxing and waning of life.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather's deteriorating health, but happy to hear of your excitement about the new little one. Life is all so scary and sweet at the same time.

andrea frazer said...

I'm with Kylydia. I had no idea you were pregant! That's great news. I'm so sorry about your losses over the past years, too and now your grandad. I will be praying for you to be calm. Keep us posted if you feel up to it. Hugs and love. Andrea

ludakristen said...

Hope you're doing okay, Mon.