The Husband is an odd bird. He loves to sneeze. I understand the basic bodily enjoyment of a good sneeze, but he takes it to another level. He loves the satisfaction of a good sneeze almost as much as, well… I won’t go there, but trust me. It's blissful for him.
When Hollywood was a few minutes old, The Husband was holding her in his arms. We could not stop staring at this beautiful little human. All of a sudden, she scrunched up her perfect little face and inhaled suddenly. I panicked. “What’s wrong with her? Is she in pain?” I asked.
Then she squeaked out an adorable little newborn sneeze. There was a look of almost orgasmic relief on her face. The Husband smiled and told her “Congratulations!”
He loved that she was a sneezy baby, because, as I mentioned, he loves to sneeze. And the weirdest things set him off. He almost always sneezes after a good meal. In fact, if we’re in a restaurant and the bill hasn’t been delivered soon enough, he might have to go outside to have his sneezing fit. And he never sneezes only once. It’s usually a three-sneeze sequence. But often times it’s more like six or seven.
He’s a freak, I tell you.
Perhaps the most unusual (and annoying) sneezy habit is his middle of the night sneezes.
Did I mention that he’s a loud sneezer? No tiny little squeaky sneezes like Hollywood’s first ones here. Nope, TH sneezes loud enough to shake the chandelier in the dining room. No joke! So you can imagine how it is to be woken up from a deep sleep by the loud sound of one of his sneezes. He’s not an Ah-Choo sneezer either. It’s more like AH-CHHHHHAAAHHHHH….
Last night I was in that warm and snuggly place you get as you drift off to sleep, when I was jolted awake by another of his sneezes.
“GAH!” I growled, seriously irritated. “You realize that normal people don’t sneeze in the middle of the night, don’t you?”
Without missing a beat, he said, “Those people aren’t allergic to their wives.”
Nice. A sneezer and a comedian. I’m so lucky!
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