I love how certain friends bring out the absolute worst in me. A few of my friends are like this - no matter what the subject is, we always seem to turn it into something grossly inappropriate or offensive.
“Erin E Attitude”, my old pal (and by old, I mean she’s wearing bladder-control undergarments) sent me an email with this picture in it:
*drawing of a woman hugging Jesus:
Here is our email conversation about it:
EEA: This made me giggle.
Me: WTF? I think Jesus is about to slip his hand down a bit further and feel up some tail!
EEA: You are such a filthy, little beast! Seriously. Must you mock the special love between me and my Jesus??
Me: I'm so sorry, I did not mean to offend your devout and pure soul. But I can't help it - I wonder if she's feeling some Jesus wood pressing against her belly. I'm so totally going to hell. Which sucks, because I won't be able to ride the old Jesus train, if you know what I mean.
EEA: OMG! You totally outdid me with that one. Even I wouldn't have gone near the 'Jesus Train' reference. Probably would have made the wood remark, definitely would not have gone the locomotive route. I totally miss you sometimes!
Me: Yeah. I'll be burning in the torturous fire pits of hell for all eternity while good girls like you who aren't sacrilegious and filthy will be lovin' on Jesus. Life is so unfair. I miss you too! *smooch*
EEA: Have I ever told you how skanky you are?? Just checking.
Me: Oh right. I'm a skank just because I'm bummed about not getting do do the boom-chicka-wow-wow with He Who Died for our Sins? People in glass houses, my friend...
EEA: Dude, I don't want to do the beast with two backs, I just want to praise Him with my love. I am totally going to heaven. It will probably be totally boring there, but man, I can't handle the heat...it's so bad for my asthma.
Me: I'm dying here and you are totally starring in my blog today. I'll send you the link when it's done.
EEA: Don't I have to sign some sort of affidavit allowing you to use my likeness in your blog? Shouldn't some sort of legal transaction have to take place? It's not like I give out all this comedy gold for free you know. Stick a couple $20s in the g-string and we'll talk about whether or not I'm starring in your blog....
Me: Oh, you're wearing a g-string today? That's a step up. Must've needed something to catch the monistat when it dripped out, huh?
EEA: Are you at home drinking today??