Saturday, May 30, 2009

Dam Embarrassing

Des Moines has a 20K race every year called the Dam to Dam. It runs from the dam at Saylorville Lake north of Des Moines to the downtown bridge/dam over the river. It's a pretty big deal, gets lots of press attention. For the last two years, I've ran the 5K that they hold for those of us who aren't as ambitious as the 20K'ers. But that's not the point here, so I'll move on... Thursday night I was at Hollywood's softball game and overheard a woman talking about the race. She called it the 'water to water race' because she doesn't like to say that word.

The man she was talking to explained to her that it's not the bad word, it's the kind of dam with no 'n', but she said she just wouldn't say the word - no matter what. Guess she doesn't ever call a donkey by it's other name either. Later on in the evening, I heard her grumbling to herself about someone else's language. Man, she would not like to be in my house, our obscenities would embarrass a pirate!

And speaking of embarrassing... (schwing! how was that for a segue?)

I took the kids to mass tonight so that I can be completely lazy tomorrow.

While we were sitting there, listening to the Good Word, Bumblebee asked me if she could write on something in my purse. I usually let her practice her writing during church. She found a piece of folded notebook paper that looked perfect for the job and started writing on the back of it.

Bad idea.

It was my shopping list from the other day. It was a short list with only a few items on it and she left it list side up during the gospel reading, which is when we Catholics stand up for a while. And while we are standing, if there's something on the pew in front of us, we might, you know, read what's on it just because it was there...

So... the nice Catholic gentleman standing behind us, probably read that I needed to purchase the following at the store:

artificial tears
band aids
laundry soap
condoms & lubricant

Yes, they were the last items on the list, and they were fully written out like that.

I'm a model Catholic, I know.

I clearly need code words for those items from now on. Something that only I will know what they mean. Like wraps and gels or something like that. I have decent handwriting, so my only hope is that this man was severely nearsighted. Or illiterate - that would work too.

As soon as I noticed what was on that list, I about died. My face and ears turned bright red as I shoved the list into my purse and tried to find something less personal for Bumblebee to write on.

I was mortified when it was time to turn around and shake the man's hand at "peace be with you time" during mass.

It's such a lovely life I lead.


WebGal said...


Sorry. That's funny.

Barb said...

I know it must have been extremely embarrassing ~ but you made my morning. Thanks for the laugh.

Kirsten said...

Oh no!!! *snort*

Now you know why tampons are "plugs" on my list...

Travis Erwin said...

Go with gloves and grease. He might think you are a mechanic.

I'm still laughing by the way.

Monnik said...

ha! Travis, I'm totally using those code words next time.

Barrie said...

Very funny!!!

Jenster said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That's even better than when Taylor pulled a tampon out of my purse in the middle of church and held it up for all to see. That was NOTHING compared to your situation! lol

Barbara Martin said...

That was a cute story, and yes, I laughed. Often it is the moments you find mortifying are the ones you remember forever.