Friday, January 25, 2008

Grand Master of the Bad Mom Parade

Seriously, I blew it last night, folks.

All five of us were sitting in the living room watching the incredibly annoying game show called Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? I get so irritated by the show because they honestly seem to invite the most unintelligent people in the country to be contestants.

But like the poor little mice in our basement are to their glue traps, we were stuck. Watching it. For TWO HOURS. One segment had the Dallas Cowboys' Cheerleaders on as a special class. In a defining moment for cheerleaders everywhere, three out of five of them reinforced my expectations by answering 'True' to the question: True of False: Spiders are Insects. (ok, sorry - I don't intent to offend cheerleaders. It was just funny.)

During the show, I made a blunder which rightfully gives me the Bad Mom of the Century Millenium Award. One of the questions was this:

What is the Fahrenheit equivalent of Zero Degrees Celsius?

I blurted out the following, in a rather smug and scornful manner: "You have to be some kind of retarded not to know the answer to THAT!"

The Boy looked at me, and honest to God, I watched his heart break. His face crumpled, he started to cry and said, "Mom... I didn't know the answer to that!"

Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. What have I done? Why did I say that? He is going to remember this day forever - just like I remember my mom telling me that my toes are unusually, scarily long.

The Husband gave me a look that meant, "Good one." I scrambled to backpedal. "Buddy... I didn't mean YOU were retarded. I meant that any adult who doesn't know that isn't so smart."

He was still crying. Hard. "But Mom, I am a fifth grader." He said.

God - I am tearing up while I type this. I tried to explain what I meant, but in the end I just said I was sorry. I really have to think about what comes out of my mouth. You see, I talk much like I blog, with little thought to the consequences of the message I'm giving. But really, I wouldn't have thought he'd have had that kind of response. We were all joking about how dumb the adults on that show can be.

It was one of those things that made me feel about two inches tall. Please, readers, make me feel better. What are some of your not so stellar moments?


WebGal said...

Well, I'm not a mom, but I'm a fabulous aunt and I kinda freaked out my nephew once. Though it wasn't something that made him may have caused a minor trauma.

At Christmas he and I were looking through the toy ads and we came across several pictures of Red Rider BB Guns. I said, quoting a great movie, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." He took on a look of abject horror and proclaimed, "I don't wanna shoot my eye out!" You see, he's three and isn't quite as well-informed of movie quotes as I am. And he didn't forget what I said either. Every time we came across those same rifles he proclaimed he didn't want to shoot his eye out over and over. D'oh!

Travis Erwin said...

Just this week I told me first grader that if he didn't stop (I don't even remember what annoying thing he was doing)I was going to cut off his toes and feed them to the cats on our porch.

He stopped.

Then he went to school and told his best friend to quit bothering him or he would take a knife and cut off his feet and feed them to a cat.

The teacher found no humor in the situation, though I was too chicken to reveal I planted the idea of cutting of body parts in my child's head.

I forgot how literal six and seven year olds take things.

Larramie said...

Monnik, if you haven't read Lottery by Patricia Wood yet, please treat yourself. Besides enjoying a wonderful story, you're likely learn to never use the "r" word again.

Monnik said...

Yeah, I know it's a horribly insensitive adjective. I mean no disrespect by it - it's an old habit...

Mama P said...

My son has Tourettes. And before I knew what it was, I used to tell him to STOP YOU'RE DRIVNG ME CRAZY! And once he looked at me with these soulful eyes and said, "But Mommy, the man with the remote control is making me do those eye things. Find him and break the remote."

Ooooooh, that was Godawful.

PS: I don't post much on the Tourettes at my blog because my mom freaks out about it. And most times his tics are very very fine. The past week though? Awful eye rolls and such. I'm really working on diet and all that to alleviate the tics. It's so hard, but I'm doing it.

I'm telling you since you're a loyal reader and I don't share as much as sometimes I'd like due to family reading my stuff.

Thanks for listening, Monnik.

Hey, you're a GREAT mom. Don't forget it.

Debbielou said...

Oh dear - I've been in that situation lots of times - it's always very hard to back pedal !

One of the worst things that ever happened to me was whilst in a staff canteen. I sat opposite a lady I didn't know very well as it was the only seat left.

She was eating a bowl of soup and had a bread roll with it. I smiled very politely and started to eat my food when out of the corner of my eye I saw the lady put the roll up to her mouth to take a bite. She was half committed with it just in her mouth when I noticed that the bread had a huge dark hair on it. "Hold on a minute" I said, and leaned forward with my hand out stretched indicating towards her roll. Just as I said , "Oh there's a hair" and about to grab it she pulled the roll away and I noticed that the hair was actually joined to her top lip !!!!

I could have died on the spot and at that moment wished that I had.

Barrie said...

Well, there are too many to list. With four kids, I have many, many opportunities to mess up. :) Hang in there. You're doing a great job. As my good friend says about parenting, "We're not aiming for perfection, just minimum damage." :)