Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Tickety Tock

Here are only few of the questions Bumblebee asked me today:

"Mom, how many universes are there?"

"What do you think God's favorite color is?"

"What does 'vomit' mean?"

"Can Kennedy (her daycare friend) become my step sister?"


Today I was on an elevator where two women were talking about a mutual acquaintance of theirs who'd recently had a stillbirth. I think I had an audible intake of breath when I heard it, kind of an "Oh, no..." sort of reaction.

Then I started thinking about Joseph, the baby we lost. It amazes me that I will go for days, weeks even, without thinking of him. And then when I do, it's a fleeting thought - usually to contemplate how difficult that time in our lives was. But sometimes I feel guilty that our life went on so completely after we lost him. I know these are useless feelings, of course I'm glad that our lives did go on after Joseph.

I write these thoughts not to make anyone sad or to elicit pity for our loss. I've written before that losing our son was something that taught us many amazing lessons in life and ultimately gave us Bumblebee. I bring up the thoughts simply to reflect on how feelings can resurface from time to time and be edgy again, if only for a few moments, and certainly when you least expect them.


Tonight I was on my way home from work and I turned off the radio because I had a headache. I came to a stoplight and in the silence heard the tick-tock of a clock coming from somewhere inside of the car. I looked around, puzzled. I held my watch up to my ear, and heard a softer, different ticking so I knew it wasn't the source of the sound.

The displays on my car, are obviously digital and don't tick. Though I really wish digital clocks did tick because if so, I would have been spared the fate of being embarrassed one Christmas. My parents had bought me a Strawberry Shortcake watch (digital) and I'd opened it before Christmas to sneak a peek (I've never been great with surprises) and then I rewrapped it. When Christmas came and it was my turn to open the present, I made a big show of squeezing and shaking the package and wondering aloud, "Whatever could it be?" Then I sealed my fate by saying, "Hey! It's TICKING!!!"

"Nice try, Sunshine." my mom said flatly. "Digital clocks don't tick."

Yeah, I was busted. And it was embarrassing because I was probably 10 or 11 - definitely old enough to know better than that. Duh. But anyway, back to the ticking in my car. Since I learned that Christmas that digital clocks don't tick, I knew it wasn't my dashboard clock.

What was it then? Did my brand new car have a ticking engine? No - it wasn't the engine.

Was it a bomb? Did someone mistake my shiny new black car for a mobster's sedan and place a bomb under it? Exciting as that sounds, of course it wasn't the case.

I must have looked pretty special at the stoplights on the way home, because each time I stopped, I searched frantically around the interior of my car for that maddening sound. It was making my headache worse by the second.

Finally - I found it. The Husband was given a coffee mug with a clock stuck to the side of it for his birthday. Since it's purple, I stole it, and it's been an interesting conversation piece during boring office meetings. It was sitting in the cup-holder. I never noticed that it ticks before.

Yeah, well, that's not an exciting story necessarily, but it does illustrate that I need to do what I can to get these headaches to stop again. And I know that working out will help get rid of them, so here I sit in my workout clothes with my iPod downloading a podcast. I WILL run tonight and hope that my gimpy hip doesn't act up. Wish me luck.


Swishy said...

Ohhhh, I know what you mean. My thing isn't nearly like yours, but those edgy kind of feelings came up for me today too out of nowhere, and man, it knocked the wind out of me for a minute.

I hope you had a good run tonight :)

Andrea said...

Oh, hon, I know you weren't looking for sympathy, but you've got it. Your post about it was very awe-inspiring, though. Wow.

This is the first year since my miscarriage 7 years ago that I didn't mourn on the actual anniversary of the miscarriage. I thought about it a week before, but it didn't even cross my mind the day of, which was Thanksgiving.

And I would have torn my car up looking for the ticking, too! :)

Mom In Scrubs said...

You have such a random and vivid's one of the many things I love about you!! The mob car? Priceless!
Did you get your hip checked out? Hip pain and headaches can all be from improper spinal alignment...I know, I know. But I've got to plug my sis. And really, truly, my headaches AND hips are very much helped by the chiro. =)

Jenster said...

I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. But I do know exactly what you're talking about - those memories that hit you without any warning.

You are inspiring, Monnik!

Mama P said...

You make me laugh. But then the baby story made me cry. but then I adrire, and in some ways, relate to the positive attitude from loss. What else could you do? I soooo get feeling emotional at odd times. Thank you for sharing such an intimate story with us. It is something to remember when we all inevitably face loss.

Travis Erwin said...

So,how goes the gimpy hip?

Monnik said...

My hip feels great! I ran a slow and easy 3 miles today and feel no twinges. That's a good sign, no?

Monnik said...

I did cancel my appt with the Orthopedic doc, though. It's my aversion to doctors - almost as bad as my fear of chiropractors.

Sorrry, Tiff! G's trying to convert me, though. :)

Travis Erwin said...

I'm a big believer in bone crackers and a good massage therapist.